I am so grateful for the amazing young woman who made me a mother.  We had a little bit of a rough start – she decided she was ready to arrive when I was 19 weeks pregnant.  Thus began 20 weeks of bedrest.  Because I was the breadwinner, bedrest meant that I sat in bed surrounded by a computer, fax machine, landline, printer, and many, many case files.  My doctor kept telling me, “That is NOT bedrest,” but I had no choice. At 39 weeks, I was allowed out of bed – and E Monkey decided to wait another week or so, thereby giving me a foreshadowing of her strong will and determination to do it her way. 

She was born on February 10, 2003 and at the time, I was not fully aware of the drama surrounding her entry into the world. She was taking forever to make her appearance and, unbeknownst to me, she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. No one told me that there was an emergency (they wanted to keep me calm), but I was told that I was going in IMMEDIATLEY for a C-Section.  Because I fully intended to be in control and implement my birth plan, I tried to “discuss” this turn of events and was shut down immediately. Before I could say, “Now wait a minute….” I was flying down the hall on a gurney. 

Fortunately, I had my cell phone and was able to call Dr. Paladino at Allpets because my cat, Roux, was having surgery for kidney stones. I will never forget him saying, “Katherine – where are you calling from??” When I told him I was being rushed into a C-Section, I think he said, “What? Roux is fine! Get off the phone!” My phone was summarily confiscated because apparently you aren’t supposed to check on your cat when you are having an emergency C-Section.  Hospital rules.  Ppphhht.

Lydia Elliott came into the world as quite possibly the most beautiful child ever created.  I was not able to hold her because of complications, but I was able to turn my head as she was held for me to see. I stroked her soft little cheek and she leaned into my touch.  I will never forget looking into those sweet blue eyes and saying, “Hello, baby… I love you.”  She looked right at me – I know she recognized my voice – and I could tell she was going to change the world. Without a doubt, she had already changed mine. I was in love in a way that I did not even know existed before that day.

I found out after the fact that she would not have lived but for the speed of the doctors at UAMS – I think from start to finish, the C-Section took under 5 minutes.  Because they were afraid that I was going to crash, I could not hold her for several hours.  Again, I had no idea the seriousness of the situation I was in.  I just knew that I wanted to hold my baby more than anything in the world.  Kelly McQueen and Desi Beers sat with me and rubbed my feet as the epidural wore off and the doctors could confirm that I was out of danger.  When I was finally able to hold my E, I felt as if I had been given the greatest gift and most daunting responsibility in the entire world. She was mine and I was expected to nurture and help her to become the person God created her to be. I was terrified, overwhelmed… and amazed that she had been gifted to me.

I stayed in the hospital until that Thursday.  After a full three days of rest (ha ha – rest? I don’t think I actually slept more than thirty minutes at a time those first few weeks), I gathered up my case files and my newborn baby and drove us to Court because, well, I had a trial and a maternity leave was not in the cards for us.

That first Court appearance as a brand-new momma was in Judge Wiley Branton’s Court.  Heather Miles, Law Clerk/first babysitter, kept E in her office while we tried the case.  I remember asking Judge Branton if it would be ok if kept my seat when speaking because I could not stand up straight.  You know, the whole C-section thing, the sutures, the bandages, etc., made it a bit hard to move.  He very graciously let me remain slumped in my seat – and was also the first Judge who let me take a break in the middle of trial to breastfeed my kiddo.  That was the beginning of Elliott traveling to Courthouses all over the state.  I can honestly say that she has been breastfed and I have pumped in more Courthouses than most people have been to in their entire lives. It was brutally hard-working full time while trying to heal, but we did it. She was the best baby in the world. We were a team, and we were supported by so many Judges and Court staff. I will be forever grateful that, while I did not have a maternity leave, I was able to work with my baby nearby.  She grew up in my law office and sometimes even now when I am at work by myself, I swear I can hear her laughter and that little voice saying, “Mommy! Look what I drew!” I still find, tucked away in old files, drawings, books, and plays she wrote when she was itty bitty.  Elliott was magical and I constantly pinched myself that she was MINE.

As I write this, that precious baby is now 20 years old and has just landed in Los Angeles where she will spend the next two weeks shooting music videos for four of her original songs.  She called me before she got on the plane this morning to wish me a happy Mother’s Day and said, “I don’t tell you enough how much I love you and what a good mom you are. Thank you for supporting me and my music.”  How could I not support this incredibly talented young woman? God tasked me with helping her find her passion, nurture her gifts, and encourage her to work hard to make her dreams a reality.  THAT is motherhood.  I would like to say that I did everything right and the road was smooth. I can’t. I made mistake after mistake. I am stubborn, strong willed, and have a temper.  In hindsight, I made a big deal out of things that were so irrelevant in the grand scheme of life, and I often made choices for Elliott that might not have been the best.  I failed this child in many ways, but we learned so much together – how to survive abuse, a divorce, single motherhood, a new marriage.  We made choices that were so difficult.  Sending her to boarding school for high school was gut-wrenching, but I could not give her what she needed here.  We navigated PTSD, anxiety, and depression.  We have butted heads because we are so very much alike.  I did everything I could to give her a toolbox to create a healthy and happy life – but she made the decision to use those tools and to grow as a person at every turn.  She is amazing.

Jamie gave me a card this morning and hand wrote the following about my path as a mother: 

“You should look back and know you stepped up and you did it – and you did it right. Today is a day for you to be proud of what you have accomplished.”

I needed to hear that because I second-guess myself at every turn, and I tend to highlight my mistakes and lose sight of the things I did right.  But at the end of the day, I look at the young woman my child has become and I can say that everything I did, I did out of love.  She took my mistakes, the life lessons, and the tools we put in her toolbox, and has flourished.

Lydia Elliott – I am so proud of you and so grateful to be your mother.  You are kind and have a heart that is so loving. You care deeply about the people and the world around you.  You are funny and smart and talented. Your work ethic is second to none. I would say that you are going to change the world but sweetheart, you have already done that. You have touched so many people’s lives and you have changed mine – you made me a mommy and I will be forever grateful.  I love you, sweet girl, and will always be there for you, cheering you on and reminding you that there is nothing you cannot do.

Happy Mother’s Day, Elliott.  With all my love, Mom.